Self-Sabotage

Last week was my first week of creative recovery with The Artist’s Way.
Today marks the middle of my second week, “Recovering a Sense of Identity”.


I was a good boy last week. I’ve consistently completed my morning pages, though the excitement has worn off and most of my writing now seems to be about how much I hate doing it and my desire to finish it quickly.

bored-writing

I’ve been so disconnected from my pages that about half of this morning’s pages were pure stream of consciousness. I don’t even know what I wrote and I don’t really care. I’m just doing it because I was supposed to and I’m glad it’s done.


I keep reminding myself that this is just part of the process. Oh, boy, week two is a really tough week. Everything is happy-go-lucky in week one, but week two is when all of the skepticism starts to rear its ugly head.

depression

I start to look back at all of the fruits from week one and then discard them like rotten produce. I begin to overthink everything, doubt my choices, wonder how I am perceived, and focus negatively on the future.

The worst may be self-sabotage.


At the beginning of this week, I was offered a phenomenal creative opportunity that I specifically asked for and then I let myself get in the way. I became bitter and upset, and quickly pulled out. I told myself, “If I have to do this, then I don’t want it.”

But I did want it. I wanted it last week. I wanted it last month. But now that it was right in front of me, I didn’t want it anymore.

What changed in a matter of a couple of hours?


I haven’t decided yet if my choice was a matter of self-sabotage or a rational decision to disengage from something that no longer interested me. Maybe that was the right choice. Maybe I dodged a bullet.

shooting-self

My gut is telling me I made the right decision, but is my gut trying to hinder my creative growth. Can I even trust myself at this stage of creative recovery?


I honestly don’t know yet. But I can acknowledge and own up to it, using it as an experience to reflect on my true desires as an artist.

Though that opportunity may be gone and I may never be able to recover it, I do know that the Universe will provide me other prospects.

I just need to follow the omens.

About Marcus Dargan