Day three, part three of Detective Work. Let’s do this!
11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming… That my dreams won’t come true.
I realize that I have a habit of limiting my dreams to what I think I can reasonably accomplish so that I don’t get disappointed by failure. That’s not dreaming, that’s playing it safe. Time to vamp up my dreams!
12. I secretly enjoy reading… Cracked.
It’s my daily dose of satire, cynicism, and trivia.
13. If I had had a perfect childhood I’d have grown up to be… a Doctor of Music.
I had a piano teacher who had a Doctorate of Music. I never heard of something like that before and thought it was the most amazing thing and decided I wanted to do that. Unfortunately, I shared that dream with someone who essentially convinced me that it was insignificant.
14. If it didn’t sound so crazy, I’d write or make… ???
I’ve been struggling with this question for a few days, because I have no answer. I believe that anything that I’ve wanted to write or make, I’ve done. My only block is the time and resources available to me to create what is in my head, but I don’t see any of my budding ideas as “crazy”.
15. My parents think artists are… temperamental and overindulging in what should be a hobby.
In all honesty, I didn’t want to go there, but it is unavoidable. The person who downplayed my dreams of getting a Doctorate of Music as a child was my mother.
Obviously, it’s not too late for me to get any degree I want, but these sort of past experiences hinder my potential when I have to constantly fight through them to self-validate my artistry. Being an artist is tough enough without the extra baggage.
I can’t say that they haven’t shown any support in my artistic endeavors; however, a lot of their support has been backhanded. I believe they see the arts as a creative outlet for me as a child, but never expected that I should pursue it as a career.
In 2004, after I recently graduated from BMCC with my Associate’s Degree in Theatre, I got my first job as a theatre director at a performing arts summer camp. My parents were seemingly supportive. My father even drove me back and forth from the camp on several occasions.
In my care package, my father included the following article: Dancer in ‘Cats’ Finds a 2nd Act in Law. The article tells about a former Broadway dancer transitioning from being a performer to practicing law.
My father always told me, “You would make a great lawyer.” I agree with him. I have the intellect and skills to do that if I had any interest in being Clarence Thomas.
I understand and acknowledge his intentions of sending me that article as an act of love and guidance; however, it is double-edged.
To me it said, “Nice to see you pursuing a career in the arts, but even Broadway stars are becoming lawyers and you’re just getting started. Why waste any more time and energy in a career and on a degree that obviously won’t pay off. Do something sensible. Love, Dad.”
Every major accomplishment I’ve had academically and professionally as an artist was met with a show of support coupled with backhanded comments and actions like this.
Yes, they were supportive in their own way. But for me, it’s the little things like that article that eats at the soul of my inner artist to this day.